Dream when you're awake, like you do asleep
by alaskatrailmutt
Summary: Fai is sick of being trapped in the nightmare reality of Infinty and wants nothing more than an escape. Third person view.


**Clamp owns all the charters, no me, we all know the drill.**

**As far as this fic goes, it's not any good in my opinion but, wanted to write something and haven't had a lot of time in the last week. Put very little effort into edit, so apologize for spelling, grammar, all of that. I wrote this fairly late and night and had to get up and do things a ton of times, if it seems broken in train of thought it's because it probably was lol. Sorry if it's not very good. If anyone wants to suggest a story idea ,(although there are many better authors and writers here than I) let me know. Reviews make my day! **

Dream when your awake like you do when your asleep.

The footsteps resounded down the stark, poorly lit hall, bouncing off the linoleum floors. A tall figure, face half lit, half in shade grimacing, and half hidden under blonde bangs, strides down the hall. He was the only one in the corridor on this dark, cool, January night. Snow was heavily blanketing the ground, preventing the residents of the city ether from leaving the dingy homes or, from feeling the necessity and desire to depart. Infinity was what, this world within itself, this city, was know to be called; and the mage felt he had been there at least half of an eternity. Hurrying down the hall with measured grace, the man reflected.

He had been trapped too long in the bleak, sunless row of skyscrapers, bloodbaths, of overall chaos, of monotonous violence for far too long. The group, in the past he would say companions, but no not any longer, had been there two months too long already. What was once a team, broke further every-day. The blonde was beginning to doubt the same semblance of kinship would occur between the group; Mokona was really the only group member spared , and even the fur-ball was more with-drawn.

Fai was out this time of night for a few reasons: first and forth most being that if he had to spend ten more minutes under the limelight drama, Kurogane's glare, Sakura's needy bleeding pain, and of the other Syaoran's guilty, empty, blank face, Fai would lose his composure. The vampire would start crying or yelling; at the very least he would break something- or someone. The second reason, if Fai had to make anymore small talk he would start trying to care. No, he would care again, even if small talk in reality bored him to no end. The third, most pressing reason was Fai needed to be alone, in a way he never knew before. Fai had always, at heart, been a inwardly drawn person. Inward due to being where both the mages magic, his strength, and his inner energy came from. Also more recently from inside sat now the new hunger, always nagging never receding fully away.

Fai was truly and introverted person, starting the journey he had acted extroverted, teasing and poking and goofing around but, that was and act. Only an act. Fai was the best actor of all under most cases yet, after a year of acting, after a year of almost forgetting his inward nature, the magic he never used, the thoughts he buried, the pain under smiles, he was forced to wake up and quit pretending. Tokyo had been hard on everyone, especially Fai. He had been so wonderfully ,blissfully, sickeningly close to getting the one thing that he had honestly needed all along. Fai had wished everyday to die and never have to get up again. Yet, he hadn't died and the only way he could cope that first week was through sleeping and avoiding everyone, pushing them away as much as possible. Fai started the long journey to closing himself off from the most important thing in his life, the truly important things; the people he cared the most about. Fai would never admit it but, if he could have continued the games he would have forever. Despite the sad and lonely distance the games created .

No, this new Fai was not sad or lonely underneath the cracks. The new man was bitter, jaded, cynical, retaliating in nature and in action. Lying underneath the mask not of joy, but impersonal non-chalice. All the feelings deep down he had always been covering up, that sat under the surface of conciseness. Experience did not renew the ex-wizard, instead it reverted him back to the state he had been when living with Ashura . A state of withdrawn, afraid, impatience and pain at its core.

He was now at the end of the hallway, and he knew outside would be a blizzard coated world of snow and ice. Fai both loved and hated snow. He hated the memories that came with snow but he loved the cold impersonal blankness of snow that blocked out every bit of false happy feeling. The snow with-in itself was false and fleeting ,but what it covered was even more fleeting under his feet. The falseness the snow covered was the feelings one felt of security, of certainty, of solid ground and unchanging life

At the apartment Fai could never really be "alone". Fai found himself needing more and more time alone after tournaments , after that year of never being himself, after that year being the most open he had ever been. The honest openness was only rewarded with betrayal from the people that he had grown the closest to. Now Fai threw open the glassy, condensation coated doors, cool air wooooshed in blowing back his long hair. He knew he should cut his hair, in theory but, he had no desire to cut it any manner. Desiring to get his hair cut would involve decision, looking at where the decisions in the past had gotten himself, the mage contained no desire to make even the simplest kind of decision. The only decision recently that Fai bother to make anymore was how long he could stay in the rented, impersonal hotel room.

Fai wanted to have, quite truthfully, a nice day. No, better than nice; a great, wonderful, carefree day. The kind of days from the innocent eyes of a child; the kind of days Fai never got to see as a child. Days where the sky went on forever, and the laughter sounded like the live concert of the whole universe around him, and the colors where so bright they were almost pliable and adrift in the muggy heat of the air. But unfortunately, it was not summer and this world had not a drop of care-free of summer passion in its entirety. The world of Infinity could only be described as dark and finalized. There was good and bad, black and white. There were no in-betweens. And in a odd sense the world was perfect for what the new Fai needed, as he became darker, colder, more colorless himself. The caring was replaced by an anger and, "the colors that [he] shinned where simply not [his] best".

Tokyo left Fai angry; at the world, at himself, at Kurogane. Fai had been near SECONDS from what he had always dreamed of having, no pain, no guilt, the unity with the ones who meant the most to him. But Fai did not get what he had wished for, and was left to clean up the broken parts. So Fai was left with the passing thought of wanting a nice day. Strangely for a devoid world Infinity had entertainment one could enjoy, for a price. None of the attractions where what Fai felt could be created into a nice day. A nice day, what would the definition of such a day even be?

The nicest days Fai ever had where always the simplest, and most of them where with the family Fai used to have but lost, in his companions. Fai stopped trying to get close to the others, close enough to touch but, far enough not to feel. He would support, he would fight, all for his family and his princess but, he would not get close to them for the exact same reason. Perhaps to many in the group, mostly Kurogane, the push-and-pull effected was self-defeating but, to the vampire it wasn't. If Fai cared, he cared more than the person he cared about cared; lots of headaches and some broken hearts later nothing would be left in the ashes from the burned bridges. By becoming close Fai would abandon the person he had acted like and the guarded values he had; replacing everything," Fai" into everything the other person, the extension of Fai's mind, wanted Fai to be.

Nicer days had many simpler parts to them that made each one sparkle and shine in its own truth. The formula for the perfect day was lack of stress, nothing to plan, spontaneous action and the right person to tag along. Remembering the days never would do them justice but, the remembrances where the mental pictures Fai took in his mind for a rainy day. The first time Fai had played piano in front of Ashura where one of those simple days. The first day Fai and Sakura started cooking together. The first day Syaoran and Kurogane had been dragged into a "family game night". All the moments had been fragile and all of them wonderful, Fai wanted another after two months in this cold world. Two years on the move for feathers. Too long trying to push and fix things that Fai, being human, could not fix.

"Sakura." Fai's voice resounded across the plaster walls and bounced back sounding hollow in his ears. There was a pleading in Fai's tone.

"Sakura, we don't have a match today." Part of Fai was afraid to reach out, to desire something only to become rejected. Only to get hurt. Fai kicked himself for his weakness, for giving in.

"Y-yes Fai?" Sakura, who had been reading a book titled _Chess Strategies_, looked up_, _wavering. Fai had been moody lately, but all the moods where the same somehow, negative, self-loathing. The moods where diffrent Fai hardly every directed himself, initiated conversation, and he was touchy. Sakura didn't want him to read a wrong meaning and stop from something she had said wrong, further closing himself off.

"Would you…mind…"Fai looked down and hid behind his longer, dimmer hair; or perhaps the light just made it seem dimmer, made him more washed out.

Fai stumbled, " I… You're busy. I know you very busy but- "Fai's mind raced, "Can we… May I take you somewhere?" Guilt flooded over Fai, Sakura was trying to help out the group and all he was doing was distracting her for his own selfish pursuit. Anger flashed over top of the guilt like a storm surge before the bitter remark crossed his mind; _well if no one wanted me to get in the way maybe they should have let them do as I pleased. If they don't like it good, I don't like what they have decided for me either._

Sakura, taken aback, closed the book and set it on the bed next to her. All of this was done slowly and deliberately, planning ahead as a chess player should. Sakura wanted this chance to prove to Fai that even if the dynamics had changed, all five of the group could… Well no, Sakura couldn't let Syaoran get close now. But she could in the very least let Fai know everyone cared about him. But maybe Fai didn't want that ether? Sakura dropped the though, Fai was obviously wavering, his lip pursing into an annoyed ling and his eyes looking further away from her, closer to the door. Sakura wanted to prolong the moment and stretch it out until it was visible enough to shape into its needed form. She opened her mouth.

"Fai…" His head turned away a sixteenth of an inch and his blue eyes meet her face. Fai's mind speed up _this was a mistake, a mistake, oh gods this was a mistake_. He wanted to calculate a good retort, to brush her off, but it was more difficult with Sakura than with the ninja. Fai could equally deal the hurt the ninja punched out, but not the princess. He wanted an excuse, an out without hurting the emerald eyed girl.

"I… Actually…" What lie could he tell to brush her off? ,"I think, "panic rose in the pit of Fai's chest and he picked up on the pit-pat of rain, "I believe it is raining actually, I wouldn't want you to get hurt on your leg, slipping. I, don't think anything of it…I apologize for interrupting you." Fai fled the room, and rushed out of the apartment, quietly shutting the door on the girl whose expression fell, she still had much to learn about the art of chess and mastery.

A week later Fai was no closer to that perfect day than he had been at the start of asking for it a week ago.


End file.
